But I don't want to go to church

Okay Everyone, maybe I am the only one who feels like this (though I doubt it very much) but Sunday I just was in a plain grouchy mood and did NOT want to go to church.....at all. John wasn't feeling well and Jahs has had a cough so John thought it would be best if Jahs stayed home with him.

Crying Babies and Awesome Church

So, I never want to come across as fake. I want to be honest and talk about the wonderful....and the not so wonderful. I want people to know I am real. That my family and I do have struggles. Not every day is smiles, snuggles, and just warm happy feelings; some days are just plain rough! Sometimes it helps to know others have those rough days too and that you are not alone. Maybe that is one of the reasons God blesses us with “rough” days is so that we can in turn be a blessing to someone else in their rough days and be not just sympathetic, but empathetic. Either way, today was a rough day. Let me tell you a bit about my day.

God's Sovereignty and Mundane Days

The sovereignty of my God is an awesome thing. He is wholly in control.

Today was an emotionally draining day with Levi. He wasn’t bad necessarily, he was being a kid. I was tired and trying to accomplish a lot. I seemed to be telling him to leave stuff alone, put something back, be gentle to the cat, those aren’t yours to play with, or Levi, please come here all afternoon long. All the negative was discouraging me. Trying to come up with more positive, less draining ways to keep him out of stuff, I tried to have him play with certain things etc. I felt bad for him, but I was also getting frustrated and even more tired.
 I accomplished a lot of things. Things in the house got organized, his bedroom got cleaned, curtains were hung, our bedroom was completely rearranged, laundry was done, lunch and dinner were made, but one thing was not accomplished. I wanted to take Levi to the park. I wanted to walk down there for the exercise and then let him play outside in the fresh air together with me. Guess what got shoved aside on my to do list.
Yes, I am glad that I accomplished what I did and I am grateful that I was able to because honestly today is what I would consider a “bad pregnancy day” because of the cramping, aches, pains, and tiredness. But, what did I do to spend quality time with Levi? We did play together and we sang songs and such, but still the fact that the park got shoved aside bothered me. I read this article this evening and it really struck home. I had a frustrating day today and this evening isn’t going so hot either. I’m tired and emotional, but my God is still sovereign. He’s sovereign over the missed park, he’s sovereign over Levi exploring EVERYTHING today, He’s sovereign over the icky evening. He’s also sovereign over the good things. Levi informing me he had to go potty, a nice arranged bedroom that is decluttered. Clothes that are washed and put away. God is sovereign. This is a truth I need to embed deep in my heart. When I feel my heart and soul getting frustrated and worried or stressed, I need to remember God is sovereign and realize every situation is designed for me personally. God knew it would happen and is using it to grow me more Christ-like.
So, whether it is a tantrum or being bummed about missing the park, realize that God is sovereign and we can learn something from each situation. I need to manage my time better, lean on God, and thank Him for my amazing little man who sometimes wears me out physically even though he is shorter than my knees! :)

*By the way, this is a day later and we did make it to the park today. :)

Emotionally Unstable

One of my hopes for my blog is that I can show everyone else that me, my marriage, and my family are not perfect. We are happy, we are grateful, we are very blessed, but we are sinners. Some of you who know me, already know I am not a strong person emotionally. I tend to be emotional. I let things offend me that shouldn't. I get frustrated about simple things. I get overwhelmed very easy, etc. Well, yesterday was no exception. John and I had an argument and made up. It was a good talk that brought up things that needed to be discussed and solved. We need to strive to make up quicker though and he pointed out that we only have each other for a little while and he doesn't want to get to heaven and have God say to Him, "I gave you this marriage and what did you do with it? You wasted 25% of it fighting, the other 50% you wasted not talking to each other because of the fights and then the last 25% you wasted just doing your own thing." What he said convicted me. I don't want that. I want our marriage and our lives to glorify and honor God. To bring Him glory and to be a witness to others. Anywho, so I was already an emotional wreck even though things were back to normal between us.

We had to go up north for my dad to fix John's car for us (by the way, they are still working on it. Thanks dad and John for being so awesome and for trying to hard to work on it! You guys rock!! and I know you will get it.). I started thinking of all the things I had to get done in a short amount of time and the house was a mess...as usual. I HATE leaving the house like that and then coming home to a messy house. But it was inevitable that I would have to leave it. And as we were packing, things kept getting messier. I lost it. Well lost it in my way which is going into a room by myself and crying. As I was crying in the bathroom I wished I wasn't so emotion. I wished I could be a wife and mother that just took things in stride and was just able to handle it all. And when things didn't go just right, that I was able to say oh well, smile and be just wonderful for John. But I'm not and I probably never will be just like that until heaven, though I am striving to get better. Then it hit me, my emotional unstableness is a blessing. It shows me just how humble I am, how I CAN'T do anything without God. as 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 states. We are made weak that HE may be strong. So, I am thankful that I fail only because it shows me how truly awesome my God is. He is truly great and He is my strength. How amazing. At that moment I had a few more tears but I felt as though He were holding me. But I was even more blessed. I came out and looked like I had clearly been crying. John asked what was the matter and after a few times of asking I told him I was overwhelmed and stressed and wanted to go but I didn't want to go either. lol He sat me down with a t-chart and put all the pros and cons of staying versus going. Then he helped me see that everything I had to get done, I could get done in like 30 minutes tops when I got back. He took the time to stop packing and stop rushing out to try to leave to sit me down and help me out. It was a huge blessing. I am sure it is very frustrating for him sometimes, but he is so amazing for me. After this, he then gave me a big hug and a high five which then produced more tears as he jammed my finger really badly, but that is another story. lol

I am very blessed. Not only did God remind me that I am not emotionally strong, and that is okay. He is. He's got it covered. :) And then He blessed me with an amazing husband that helps me out.

Harried Moms

I wrote before about how I have difficulty making friends. So, I decided to follow my own advice and try to reach out to someone. I invited a friend of mine that I have met down here by watching her little one who is around Levi's age to go to the mall with me. Her little one was getting over a cold and was tired. So, in regular toddler fashion, everything made him cry and throw a fit. The mom handled it in the way she thought was best. Oh and I forgot to mention, she is pregnant and due this summer, so she is tired as well. She finally had to put him in the stroller and let him cry it out, not wanting to give in to his fits. We eventually decided it was best we ended our mall trip and head home. She apologized but I told her that she has to do what she thinks is best as a parent and not to worry about it. I totally got it. :) As we were leaving, with her child thrashing in the stroller and screaming, she got lots of looks...you know the kind, the annoyed "why-aren't-you-making-your-child-shutup" looks. Or the looks that say "you are such a bad mother for letting your child cry like that." There was one lady imparticular who looked at the little one with a digusted look then looked at the mom, then look at the little one again. She literally looked them up and down. The poor already flustered but handling it wonderfull mom said, "I am just going to choose to laugh. I feel like crying, but I am going to laugh because it was funny."  I was glad she didn't let that lady and the others affect her, but it affected me. I was saddened and convicted. How many times do we judge parents with children who are misbehaving? We don't know what's going on. We don't know the child and we dont' know the parent. And whether or not the parent is making wise choices is not up to us. We would also and do make bad parenting choices frequently, but by God's grace and strength and ONLY by His grace and strength do we ever make good and wise parenting decisions.

Next time we are tempted to judge a harried mom with a just as flustered child or maybe two, let's remember that we probably have been there and know the frustration and overwhelming feelings that mom is feeling. And the fact that it is only by God's amazing grace that we are able to handle those situations. Whether we think that harried mom should handle it differently or not, that's not up to us. We should pray for that parent and child. Pray that God would give them strength, wisdom, peace, and ultimately help them to cry out to Him.

Let's strive to do this next time we see a child throwing a temper because the wise markters placed all the candy in the long checkout lane within hand reach of the little stinkers or the one-year-old wants to throw one more penny in the fountain. Let us extend grace because we were given grace. :)

Smiling Babies

Levi went from being happy to having that pouty lip and whimpering in a matter of seconds. I sat there talking in that “parentese”to him trying to convince him that it was going to be okay and that he can be happy again.

As I did this, I started thinking that with babies whenever they are fussy or grumpy, we will talk to them in our squeaky voices, make funny faces, rock them, sing to them, or do whatever we can to make them content again. Why do we do the opposite with others around us? When they are in a bad mood or having a rough day we like to punish them by giving them the same or a worse attitude than they are giving us. I know that with older children sometimes they need to be punished for having a “stinky”attitude, but even on that note, we shouldn’t have a bad attitude ourselves while doing so. We should be loving and humble about it. With their best interest and God’s glory in mind.

I need to remember this when others around me seem to have a less than pleasant attitude. I need to remember Levi and his smiles/grumpies. The things you learn from babies. :) It’s amazing.