He asked if I was going, I told him very plainly that I did not want to at all, but "I probably should." I meandered around and had to get gas and so we were running quite late and the whole time I was arguing with myself.
"We are going to be there so late. At least 15 minutes late. Just turn around and don't go. Or go do something else until nap time. Look at the clock, it is already almost 10:45, church is about to start and you aren't even half way there."
But then I took a deep breathe and was reminded to preach to myself. So still feeling grouchy but more than willing to argue with someone, "myself" was the perfect target.
"We are going to be late, but worse case scenario, we miss the worship portion at the beginning."
"But that is one of my favorite parts! How can we worship any other time? Corporately worshiping together is so sweet and we are going to miss it. Turn around and just go home."
"We may miss the songs and yes oh how I do love singing corporately together with the body of believers, but that is no reason to not go to church. I will still be able to hear the WHOLE sermon."
"You should be stressed about going this late; shame on you. What will people think?! It is very poor character to show up this late....or late at all for that matter."
"It is poor character and I need to do something about that, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't show up at all. And, when other people show up late, I don't even notice. I may notice them walk in, but it doesn't dawn on me that they are showing up late, so other people aren't wagging their fingers at me thinking I am a bad Christian because I am showing up 15 minutes late. We are going."
"But, you will have to interact with people and you feel grouchy and mean."
"That is probably the best cure for my grouchiness, being in fellowship with the body of believers and what a selfish attitude to have. That should not keep me from going!"
Pretty much word for word, this is the conversation I was having with myself all while trying to be kind to Levi and Titus. I literally had to just keep arguing with myself and "talking myself" out of the reasons why it was not okay to not go because I felt grouchy and we were late. I kept having to breathe deep and remind myself that it was okay. And boy was it awesome once we got there. It was so sweet to sit and listen to the word of God be preached. So helpful too (It was a sermon on Prayer based off of Ephesians 6:18; if they post it online, I will try to remember to link it here). Not only was it wonderfully sweet, enriching, convicting, and wonderful, but it also made me chuckle and smile. And I got some quality time with Levi. I won't pretend and say that I wanted to go, I really didn't at all. But I was convicted and was able to be honest with myself and realize that I needed to go regardless. Thankful for the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
Do you ever feel like this? Maybe it is a Bible Study, small group, or Sunday service? Sometimes we just have to even when our hearts do not want to, when we respond out of faith like that, more often than not, we see our faith rewarded and God allows the heart to quickly follow suit. And boy is it sweet when it does. :) I'd say that it is sweeter than the days I go willingly....