I'm nervous to write this post because I know this is going to come across as harsh, but I don't mean it to. Just know my heart isn't to be harsh and judgemental.
The women was disgusted and stated shortly "I don't understand; she is only 23, how can she know where she will be 2 years from now, let along a lifetime from now?!" Her listening friend just nodded in agreement. She went on to talk about how who knows if the person this young lady would be marrying is who she will really want to spend the rest of her life with. It really saddened me to hear this. How discouraging for this younger couple who is doing the right thing. Let me through a scenario out there that maybe this older couple would be okay with. This young couple living together, having sex (because this is obvious, unpopular, but it's true. Anyone living together is most likely having sex together as well. If it is a huge temptation for couples NOT living together, that makes the temptation even greater when you live together). For them to have kids together and for those kids to grow up without a stable family relationship. But, that doesn't matter because this young lady could change her mind at any moment right? What if she decides this young man really isn't who she wants to live with the rest of her life?
Do you see that there are so
many things wrong with this scenario? One,
that the older generations that we are supposed to look up to, that are
supposed to guide us, are telling us marriage at a young age is wrong. Why? Their reasons
are so selfish and self-centered too. Because
we may change our mind. We may decide we made
a mistake. What about the mistakes of living
in sin? Forcing children to grow up like that?
I wish there was something I could have said to
that lady that day, but it wouldn't have been with the right heart. But, here is what I would tell her if I could go back
again with a humble heart crying out for this young lady who seems to be
striving to do the right thing despite lack of support and gossiping lips.
Ma'am, I'm sorry but I couldn't
help but over hear your conversation. It's hard
not to hear in a place like this. I just
wanted to say I can understand your concern, but wanted to tell you, I am 23 as
well. I am happily married and have been for
only a mere 2 and a half years, but despite having rough patches, I don't
regret it for one minute. Ma'am, we had a
child right from the get go. Most would say we
were crazy and we should just enjoy our lives. I
say, God has an awesome plan and has blessed us with an opportunity to start
raising leaders right away. My wonderful
husband and I are now pregnant with our second. Some
may say that we got pregnant too soon after having our first. Again, I would say God has again blessed us with the
chance to raise another leader and to do so while we are young. Some may say it is selfish because we aren't
financially as stable as most would think you should be to raise a family. I would say that God has blessed us with the ability
to lean on Him and trust that HE has a plan. HE
is writing our story. Some would say that I
don't know if this man I married is truly my soul mate, I would say that I'm
not sure there is such a thing as soul mates. Love
is not a feeling, it is an action. I must
choose each day to love this man despite what my selfish heart says sometimes.
If five years down the road my life does change,
good; I would hope that it does. Marriage does
change us, indeed. It helps us grow, it helps
us become other's centered and less self-centered. It is hard work. Living
together without being married is "easy." You can leave anytime with
no guilt. Yes, there is emotional baggage, but
you know that you didn't get a "divorce." All though, that too is
becoming way too easy to not even blink at. There
is no commitment. Ma'am, do you really think
it is better for them to be tempted to sin? Be
tempted to live together and "pretend" to be married without the
commitment? What is the difference really?
Why is it so wrong to get married so young? If we were to wait until we are "ready," we
would never be ready. We would still be
extremely selfish, worried about what we think, and still have to get used to
living as one. Nothing matures a person faster
than marriage; it is a glorious sanctifying work that God does. It can be a glorious example of the gospel. Ma'am, I am not trying to change your mind though I
am very sorry that you feel this way. I just
wanted to let you know that depsite what others thought, I married at 21. I don't think it is too young. My grandma married at 15 and had her first child at
16. They are still married to this day. What if she had changed her mind? I'm sure she had many nights where she wanted to, but
that is just it, she didn't. She knew she
needed to stick with it regardless. Instead of
discouraging this young lady from getting married, maybe encourage her by
telling her times will get tough. There will
be conflict. That's normal. You will wonder if you made a mistake; that's normal.
Telling her that feelings are deceitful. You have to tell yourself that divorce is not an
option and no matter how tough it gets, it is a chance to grow and fight for
what you have.
Now of course there are cases
where abuse and affairs come into play. I'm
not talking about that, I am just discussing the fact that soceity would rather
our young people live their individual selfish lives rather than make a
commitment that can be scary. They would
rather they just do what is comfortable and "follow their heart"
rather than following the advice of Proverbs and realizing that the heart is
deceitfully wicked. Also, I am not meaning to
bash anyone who is living together. I don't
believe it is right and I believe it to be sinful. Personally, I believe you have a few choices if you
would like to change what is going on, seperate for a while. Maybe go live with a friend or a family member and
then together repent. Repent to God and repent
to each other. Then one of two things can
happen. You could go to the courthouse (or we
went to our Pastor and did a "court house" wedding) and get married
so that you are no longer pretending to be married, but are now married in
God's eyes as well. OR, you can actually plan
a wedding, though I know this to be harder when you are already sinning. It's to hard to not continue. But it is very possible. But either way, you need to live seperately, repent,
and stop having sex together.
For older folks who may be
tempted to think the way this lady did, I would implore you to pray hard and
pray that the advice you give young folks isn't selfish. At the root, that is what this advice/gossip was.
The lady was uncomfortable with it and instead of
doign what was best for the young couple, she did what was easiest for her.
Pray that you can give advice or cousel that
brings God the most glory and helps this young couple to grow closer to Christ
and in Christ. This is so hard sometimes, I
know. I also realize that this may be a hard
blog post for some. Most may have stopped
reading already. Just know that my heart
isn't to judge or bash. My heart is to help
everyone realize that we need to be more concerned about sin in our lives and
be saddned by the way the world thinks. I
pray that if you my friend are struggling with temptation of any kind, that you
would listen to the Holy Spirit's calling and turn from that. Go to someone you can trust and that will give godly
advice and talk with them. don't be afraid
to. And realize that whatever you are tempted
in or have done, God already knows and He still loves you. Look at the people in the Bible that He used and
used mightly. Rahab was a prostitute. Abraham was a liar. David
was not only an adulterer but also murdered his love affairs husband to hide
what he did. Paul was a murder. God used all of these men and women not because they
were good, but because He is great.
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